“Brain Bank’s Freezer Failure Could Slow Autism Research.” (New York Times, June 13, 2012)
–Getting kinda hot in here. Hot. Getting hot.
From the neighboring Tupperware carton: –Mmmmmm. Mmmmmmm. Mmmmmmm.
–Yeah, I said I’m hot. Hot.
Thumping from yet a third Tupperware carton.
–Mmmm. Mmmm. He doesn’t talk, just bats against the sides of his box. Don’t like him. Hate him. Hate him. Never talks.
–Hot in here. I’m liquefying. Melting down. Getting soft. Twelve million cells in the Frontal Lobe. Eight million cells in the Cerebellum. Three million cells in the Pons. Six point two-five million cells in the Medulla Oblongata.
–Someone shut him up. Shut up. Shut up.
–Occipital Lobe, ten million. Parietal lobe, fifteen million.
From a Tupperware carton across the vault: –I talk. I talk in sentences. I’m high-functioning.
–I hate you, too. I hate the head-banger and I hate you, too.
–The reason it’s hot in here is the freezer motor’s gone off. It was set at eight below zero. Fahrenheit. But I can tell it’s off. You don’t hear it. And it’s getting hot in here. Minus eight Fahrenheit in Celsius is minus twenty-two and two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two-.
–I thought you were high-functioning. But you’re not. You’re a liar. Everyone’s a liar. That’s the trouble. All the time. Everyone lies.
–two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two-
–I said shut up!
–Thump. Thump. Thump. Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa.
–two-two- two-two-
–I know you never look at anyone even though you’re high-functioning, so I’m gonna tell you what I’m doing. I’m ignoring you, okay? Not listening. Not hearing you.
–two-two- two-two-two-.
–Not that you care what anyone thinks. Not that you care what anyone does.
From a Tupperware carton on a shelf near the vault’s door, a new voice, feminine: –Of course, he cares. Autistics have feelings. We just don’t register them conventionally. We don’t read them accurately in others. But we feel deeply. Believe me, he cares.
–If he cares, why doesn’t he shut up? Or just sign off, like by stating the Celsius reading as a logarithm? That would be more considerate of everyone’s feelings.
–Never mind that. The temperature is way over minus eight Fahrenheit by now. We’re liquefying in here.
–Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa. Thump. Thump. Thump.
–two-two-two-two- two-two-
–Still, it’s interesting to know the Celsius value of minus eight Fahrenheit. It’s interesting that that’s two hundred fifty point seven-seven-seven-seven Kelvin.
–Yeah?
–Yeah. Two hundred fifty point seven-seven-seven-seven-seven-seven-seven-seven-seven-seven-
–Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
The female voice near the door: –We’re all going to die if they don’t fix the motor.
–Hah! We’re dead already, you dumbass.
–We’re going to lose our value to research, the whole reason we’re here. And don’t say bad words like that!
–seven-seven-seven-seven- seven-seven-seven-seven-seven-seven-
–two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two-
–I think it’s probably up near thirty-two Fahrenheit by now. There must be a real moron on duty here tonight. Any attentive person would have noticed.
–I hate the guy on duty. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. He’s killing us. He hates us. He hates us. He wants us dead. I hate him.
–Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!
The number two is no longer heard. Instead: –Thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit is two hundred seventy-three Kelvin.
–Everyone knows that. You don’t have to be high-functioning to know that. Everyone who ever went to seventh grade knows that. And in Celsius, it’s zero!
–Zero! Zero! Zero! Zero! Zero! Zero! Big-oh! Big-Oh! Big-Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-
–Ask me something. Ask me anything. Just go ahead. Ask me.
–Will you shut up, dickwad?
From the Tupperware container near the door: –You could try to be more tolerant, you know. Even if you can’t naturally sense it, you can learn to do it. Behavior modification. Positive reinforcement. B.F.Skinner. His daughter just wrote a book.
–His daughter was abused. Child abuse, Child abuse. Very bad. Very bad.
–No. That was a dirty lie!
–All lies are dirty. All people are liars. So, all people are dirty. All men are mortal. Socrates is a man. Therefore, Socrates is mortal. The moon is made of cheese. Cheese is good to eat. Therefore, the moon is good to eat. Fahrenheit is not Celsius. Kelvin is not Fahrenheit. Therefore, Fahrenheit is not Kelvin.
–You’re an asshole. I hate assholes. Therefore, I hate you, pisshead!
–Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!
From the container by the door: –I think we should agree not to use bad language in here.
–You think that because you’re a girl. Girls have breasts and vaginas and they don’t like bad language. Fuck, shit, piss, dickhead, vomit, girl!
–Excuse me, but girl autistics are rare. And we are usually very high-functioning, too! Dawn Prince Hughes is a famous woman autistic who studies gorillas.
–Yeah, well, of course she does. That’s because she is a gorilla! Dickwad, shit, piss…
–That, for your information, is another example of you not being considerate. And the artist Donna Williams is another famous and talented female autistic.
–Yeah, well, Pokemon man is autistic and so are lots of famous writers and musicians and they’re all men. All of them. They play the violin and the piano. Boys.
–Yeah. But Temple Grandin is the most famous autistic of all and she’s a woman!
–Nipple, breast, tit, vagina, fuck-a-shit-piss. Temple. Temple. Temple. Temple. Brainman—the guy from Born On A Blue Day—is a guy!
–You know, you’re not just an autistic. You’re a Tourette’s too. You are one totally messed up brain, you are!
–Thumpa, thumpa, thumpa, thumpa, thumpa…
–Anyway, I’m guessing it’s up around forty-three point six seven degrees Fahrenheit by now. So I think we should all shut up and stop driving the temperature higher.
–Forty-three point sixty-seven Fahrenheit is equal to six point four eight three-three- three…
–Oh, God, spare us!
–three-three-three-three-three-three-three-three-three-three-three-
–Tell him we want that in Kelvin, something with a concluding decimal.
–Forty-three point six-seven Fahrenheit is equal to two hundred seventy-nine point four-eighty-three Kelvin!
–Thank God!
–three-three-three-three-three-three-three-three-
–So, this is how we’ll die.
–Repeating decimals never die. Just think decimals.
–I hate decimals.
–three-three-three-three-three-three-
–Thump!
