Section 4.
The Getaway
1. Your chances of survival are only as good as the amount of time it takes them to find you. Therefore, avoidance is your utmost priority.
a. Stay out of hallways.
b. Never head for the elevator. They are always in it.
c. Never expect to make it all the way down the stairway. They are coming up it.
i. But I’m down already. I’m in the lobby.
1. This means that you’ve already karate chopped some minimum wage night watchmen. Don’t skip sections. That’s the surest way
to get caught. It’s what they want you to do.
a. But I didn’t skip anything. I started on the ground floor.
i. Well then. Let’s try to be a bit more descriptive of our situation in the future, shall we?
d. Notice that you are always moving down. When fleeing, downward is always the correct motion.
i. Ascents are allowed only in niche situations—
1. Stealing a plane.
2. Exiting a subway.
3. Exiting a submarine via torpedo tube.
—but these are always followed by a rapid descent. The faster you get down, the faster you get out.
e. If you sense that you are in danger of being detected—
i. Grab woman.
1. Embrace her. With vigor.
a. But she’s got a husband and he’s right here.
i. If your lips leave hers before they pass, you have to skip to Chapter 7, and you aren’t ready for Chapter 7.
b. But he’s bigger than I am.
i. Slip her the tongue.
c. He’s grabbing for me.
i. Always check for a stone.
1. You’re the damn manual! You can’t give retroactive advice!
a. Better kiss him when you’re done with her. The confusion will keep them silent long enough for you to
turn a corner.
ii. Besides. They may think you’re drunk.
1. But I am drunk.
a. This is best. We can skip Chapter 9, “Chemicals and Substances,” when we get to it.
d. Always say some charming/witty/masculine quip as you leave.
i. He’s got me by the collar. Do you see the size of his biceps?
1. The villains are always bigger. If the heroes were the biggest ones, they would be the villains.
2. Make it a quick one—
a. “You’re a lucky man.” (This can only be used if you go in for another ‘nightcap’ kiss before you depart).
b. “Do you want to see something swell?” (Followed by you fleeing at top speed [remember, don’t run]).
c. If she is holding a drink—“You’re name wouldn’t be Brandy, would it?”
d. “The things I do for England.”
1. That’s stolen from a Bond movie!
a. If it fits, flaunt it.
e. “Do you have a sister?”
1. You’re spending an awful lot of time on these lines.
a. Have pride in your work.
3. Karate chop him and get moving.
a. But kiss her again for good measure.
1. I think I broke my hand.
a. It’ll heal.
b. Did you remember the kiss? Good.
f. You have now slipped their immediate net. Proceed to the parking lot.
i. Move with purpose.
1. You are hurried, but you are not panicked. You are never panicked.
2. To repeat—You are never panicked! How many times have you seen a spy run?
a. But Bond runs.
i. He’s being shot at.
1. Isn’t that a reason to run?
a. You’ve confused the casual relationship. He’s being shot at because he started running.
ii. Locate your car. Probably a(n)-
1. Austin Martin
a. AB5
b. V8 Vantage Volante
c. V12 Vanquish
d. DBS
2. Audi
a. A6
b. 200 Avant
3. Bentley
a. Mark IV
b. 1930 4 ½ Litre
c. 1953 Mark VI
4. I drive a ’95 Accord.
a. You drive a what?
i. A ’95 Accord.
1. You’re about to be involved in a high speed chase. You need something that has a little less gas millage and a
bit more oomph.
a. That’s what I have.
1. Look, how are you supposed to follow this manual if you don’t have the proper equipment?
a. Bourne got away in a mini.
i. He is an assassin, not a spy.
ii. If you want to play assassin and drive some P.O.S. then you should have bought
that manual.
1. I’m sorry.
5. If your car is indisposed and/or wildly unacceptable, steal one.
a. Make it nice. Remember, the girls are watching.
b. What are you doing!?
i. I’m stealing a car.
1. Stealing a car and breaking its window with a brick are not the same thing.
a. You could have filled me in.
1. Sorry, that’s in a different manual, which you can buy for one low payment of $14.99.
2. Here comes security.
a. Am I done?
1. Please. You still have most of this manual to go. We’re just getting started.
a. I think I need to stop reading and run now.
i. Yes. This would be best. Don’t stop until—
1. You’ve reached your safe house.
2. You find a dark alley.
3. Your lungs bleed.
